What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
