ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just pynch a tree in the face
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
