apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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