so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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