Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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