if you like me you must not know who I am
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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