i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
