omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
