we're blogging at a bar
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
