i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
