Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
