My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
