Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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