upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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