I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
