Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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