Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
