If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can you bring me the toilet please
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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