once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
