Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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