Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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