I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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