i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
