Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize