she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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