I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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