you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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