I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
