I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
