Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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