Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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