He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
