I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And then he peed in my hair
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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