so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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