My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
