I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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