then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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