Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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