I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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