Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
