I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
