i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
