Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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