i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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