I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
