What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
