Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
