I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
