is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
