saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could make wine with my vomit
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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