you guys were way drunker than both of me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
