I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
