thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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