there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize