I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
