I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
