Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
