Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
