I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
