hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
