I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
