dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
