3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
