So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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